A primary version of this letter, written by Agnieszka Dutkowska-Żuk to her younger self, was presented at the “Languages in Science” conference, held at Lancaster University on 30th November 2021. The conference’s goal was to shine a light on experiences of multilingual academics, who are learning and working in languages that are not their first language.

Agnieszka is a Material Social Futures PhD student in the Department of Languages and Cultures and the Lancaster Institute of the Contemporary Arts. Her PhD explores the future of infinite data storage and scenarios in which we will be able to store everything. She is interested in how the metaphors of human memory shape the design of computer memory and vice versa. Her research can be generally described as Speculative Design, through which she strives to understand how people and technology interact with each other. Her interdisciplinary work is supervised by Dr Emily Spiers and Prof. Paul Coulton.

Dear Agnieszka,

You have no idea what you're getting into. That's probably good. But don't worry, I am not writing this letter to scare you or anything, but I want you to be prepared for what's coming your way. So, here it is.

You look like your mother - you have her face, her slim arms and ankles, wide hips, and thick thighs. But you have your father's eyes, introvert character and his love for learning languages.

Quite soon in your life, you will decide to build your self-image and persona around being good in Polish, your mother tongue. You are always excited to hear that the next homework is an essay, and each time you are stunned, others are not as excited. You consume each book that gets into your hands, and you love finding music in words. In your local library, kids can borrow only three books at once. But ladies who work there will give you the right to borrow as many books as you like, and you know it means something. You feel comfortable, knowledgeable and empowered. You know you're good at it and you think that you can almost hear the sound of your “Voice”. And so, I am really sorry to be the one who tells you that you'll have to sacrifice all that. You will soon find out that there are other things that you want and need to become yourself. To reach them, you have to get out of your comfort zone.

You don't know why but you want to learn French badly. You're 12, and you cannot stop thinking about it; you don't stop talking about it, but...But. Your parents can't afford lessons. This is the first time you learn that knowledge costs not only your effort but it costs money. You decide that you will always find a way to learn. And you will. You got accepted to a bilingual French school. No fees. It's a free lesson for you to never give up on learning.

You will go to college but you'll want more. You don't feel like you're learning enough. You'll find a scholarship; if you get it, you will be able to go to universities in the US and UK. The only problem is that interviews are at 8 am, and you usually wake up at 10 am. Don't worry, you're on time but you're so sleepy and disoriented that you completely forget all these great things you wanted to tell them about yourself, which you practised the night before. You kind of just say things and go with the flow. Afterwards, you're devastated. There's no chance they will accept you. But again, don't worry. It turned out you tell them two of the most important things they wanted to hear - first, you tell them that you are stubborn. They needed to know you'll be motivated to finish the programme. Second, for some strange reason, you tell them that you love riding a bicycle, which is quite random, I have to admit. To this day, I don't know why you told them that. However, university in the US is within a cycling distance from students living area. They needed students who would be willing to cycle all the way up there and they knew that you would at least show up to classes. Sometimes it's not about how well you're prepared, but who you are and just some luck. You got the scholarship.

You will learn that learning foreign languages is not a one-way road. It does not only constitute speaking or writing, or in general trying to convey your thoughts into the world, but it's also receiving and listening to other people. Sometimes it is about getting to know someone, sometimes it's about listening to lectures. And let me tell you, sometimes it will be hard. Not because you don't like listening to others; on the contrary, you're more of a listener than a talker. But it's an additional skill to focus, listen and understand something in another language, all at the same time. Especially, since there are many different accents. So, you study in Wales, where some people have a pretty heavy accent; there are times and lectures when you will not understand a thing. You will be looking around the lecture hall, seeing heads nodding, hands writing notes. You will be petrified, sure that you don't understand English, that you should pack your bags and come back to Poland. Then one day, a British girl from London will sit next to you. To your surprise, she will have the same confused look on her face as you do. After the class, she will ask you: "Did you understand anything from that lecture? That accent!". Don't always assume that something is wrong, and you should quit. It's just new. You probably just have to get used to it. Give yourself some time.

Speaking of accents, later in life, you will have a brilliant Indian friend who will be teaching writing at a university in the US. English is her mother tongue, but she will have to fight with the system to prove her knowledge and abilities because she has a different accent. You will both spend hours talking about cultural layers, prejudices, and background of how only American and British accents are seen, or maybe I should say heard, as appropriate. It is also something you will be taught in school. You will get grades for your accent. You will be taught that if someone has strong Polish accent, it's better not to speak English at all. You will learn that such thinking is only limiting you. Your accent is not a way in which you convey your message. It's respect for other people, careful thought, and engagement in the conversation. And so, you don't think that there is something wrong with your accent anymore.

Learning languages will open your eyes, broaden your perspective. It will not always be pleasant. As a kid, you wonder why everyone speaks English and not Polish? Why do you have to learn another thing, just to start learning in the first place? You will feel hurt. You will then push this idea to another side of the spectrum. You wish you were born somewhere different and that you were a

native English speaker. You wish it was easier for you. You don't know that yet, but you live in a bubble. The ethnic background of 97% of people in Poland is white, Polish, so you have minimal contact with people from other nations. When you start traveling, you will learn that, in some places and situations, it's not your knowledge of languages, accent, actual background or financial status that matter. It's your skin. You will learn what white privilege means. You’re not a victim, so don’t think that you are one. It only holds you back.

As a part of your studies in Wales, you will need to go to Welsh classes. You don’t mind, you’re actually excited as you like learning languages. But you will also think that they’ve got a nerve to teach you this language. Less than one million people speak Welsh and it’s not like you need it in your everyday life. But it’s not a nerve. They are just proud of who they are and they wanted to share it with others. You don’t understand that yet, because no one taught to be proud of who you are. So you teach it yourself. You will learn to be proud of your heritage, just as much others are and should be proud of theirs. You'll understand that differences define similarities. So we should cherish them, talk about them rather than hide them or attack them.

There will be bad days, though, I have to admit. You will not only be uncomfortable, but you will make other people uncomfortable as well. Sometimes, you will be excessively polite, occasionally rude (not on purpose though), sometimes your tongue will refuse to work. Like this one time, when instead of a spreadsheet, you kept saying “spreadshit”, in the meeting with other professors, and you couldn't do anything about it. You just kept saying it. Multiple times. And you know what? The world did not stop spinning. It’s still quite hard for you but you’ll learn to laugh your mistakes off.

You will also learn that tears and laughter don't have a language. Your American sister-in-law and your mother love each other's company, even though they don't understand each other at all (or perhaps they're like each other's company because they don't understand each other at all, who knows). It doesn't matter. What matters is that they have fun together. Sometimes it is not about how perfectly you speak a given language; it’s about trying and connection.

The only last thing that I wanted to tell is a bitter-sweet one. It will take you longer than your friends to find your Voice. You wonder if you will ever feel comfortable again. And I do not know the answer to this question; at least not yet. There is not a day without a failure; you never finish as many things as you planned to, you feel slower than everyone else in the world and make a thousand mistakes in your work a day. But then, you go to bed, and you have this one minute only for yourself before dreams start to enter your head, and at that moment, every single night, you hear your own voice, the one that you’re trying to find so badly during the day. Before it slips away, it always says -

it's all worth it.

Love,

Agnieszka

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